Now I’m not one to usually go for the personal posts, or try one of those more lyrical and thoughtful posts that some people just manage to pull off with out even a conscious thought. It’s not that I don’t like that type of post, or reading that from others, but I so admire it in people and their ability to write and their ability to share their feelings and their insights. Maybe it’s a feeling of not having the ability or that my own intuitions about life and what I feel isn’t as meaningful or as well writen. I think I just don’t like my own writing style or that my writing never quite seems to say what I feel I want it to say.
These last three months have been interesting. Many who know me laugh at my even temper and my steady emotional state. It’s part of my anchor system that’s carried me through so much in my life. But it’s a bit crazy discovering still yet new emotions and feelings at seemingly this later stage in life. It’s not like they are anything dramatic, or new to the human race, and millions of others have experienced them for sure, but they have really for me been a personally new thing. It’s those age old feelings of loss, loneliness, sadness, betrayal, confusion, frustration, and even, well not really anger, but can’t quite find the right word here.
I feel so weird talking about them in almost an analytical way here, but it’s how I do things. I’m not the best talker, I have a hard time sharing my feelings anyways unless someone draws me out, or asks questions, and so many people don’t. (I think many people don’t want to pry.) So much of my life I’ve always processed things internally, thought about them. Whether that’s good or not I don’t know.
Point of all this I suppose is that that while this has sucked, it’s also teaching me a lot about myself. I’m discovering how to make friends again, and keeping connections with those you know. I’m finding that passion is attractive, and if I find it attractive in others, it also means that you need to be passionate yourself about something if you want others to find you interesting. I’m discovering that I’m still the nerdy guy I always was. I have discovered that my son means more to me than life itself and that all of this would have been impossible without his little hugs and kisses. I’ve got a new range of empathy for others.
We’ll see. 3 months have done a lot. What will the next three hold? Here’s looking at you life…